Dear Bad-Assed Kids:

"I suppose you deserve some gifts for your improved behavior this past day or so, in addition to how well you're all doing in school.  However, to make up for the fighting and bickering, I require that you open your home, as well as your hearts, to a poor lonely animals who had to spend Christmas in the shelter.  I'll be watching to make sure you provide a loving, safe home.

Mister C.

PS--You guys owe me BIG.  See you in November 2012--Todd"

This might actually work . . .

Resolute This

1. Get a booty.

Seriously, this is my butt.  Is that not the saddest damn thing?

2. Get abs.

That's just. .  .ew, no.  Nasty.

3.  Screw the abs thing.  Let's just drop the love handles down to my butt and call it a day.

4. Stop smoking.

This one's pretty easy.  If there's nothing to smoke, I won't.  Problem is, the Big Munky is also a smoker, so the things are readily available.

5. CONTROL MY FREAKIN TEMPER.

No joke--I look like this.

6. Sleep.

See, Self?  He's not real.  

7. Cook.  Like, more than twice a week.

LIKE A BOSS

What number we on?  

Keep a cleaner house.

Just 'cause you're a hot mess, doesn't mean your room gets to be.

Work through my stash.

. . .'cause it's getting a little ridiculous.

Aaaaaand the big one:

TAKE A DAMN VACATION.

  . . . errr, maybe not.  Let's just stay home and do some squats while we knits, ah-ight?

Homemade Pita Bread & Taco Bell Hummus

Alright, so I took someone else's recipes and Angied the hell out of them to get some pretty good shit.

PITA BREAD:
Mix up
1 cup warm water
2tsp salt
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp brown sugar
in a big bowl.  No need for a mixer, my arm worked just fine.

Add in
1 pkg active dry yeast
2 cups flour

Mix mix mix

Cuss a little as your biceps give out,  and mix more.

Add in enough flour to make a thick dough.  Let sit for about 10 minutes.  Then add up to a cup of warm water to loosen up the dough a bit.  Knead on floured workspace for a couple minutes.  Grease up another big mixing bowl with olive oil, roll your dough into a ball and put it in the greased bowl, rolling it around just a little to grease it up.  Cover with a damp towel and place in a warm spot to rise for an hour, or until doubled, which is pretty freaky to see.

After that hour, punch down your dough, then roll out your dough onto floured space again.  Cut it up into about 8-10 pieces, depending on your size preference. Shape these pieces into 6-inch circles.  Cover with towel and let rise for another 30 minutes.

Yeah, it's a pain in the ass.  I guess that's why they call it PITA bread.

Heat oven to 500.  Bake your little circles 3-4 at a time (I used a broiler pan) for just 5 minutes.  As soon as they come out of the over, move them to a plate and cover with a cool, damp towel until the next batch comes out.  This is some kind of steam process, I don't know, but it makes them all nice and fresh-like.

And there ya go.

ONWARD--TACO BELL HUMMUS

Thusly named because, seriously, it tastes like Taco Bell.

Into a processor, chunk 1/2 can drained garbanzo beans and 1/2 can drained black beans, about 3tsp garlic powder, 3 tsps cumin, and 2 tbsp olive oil.  Knock the shit out of your processor trying to get all this mixed, and add in 1/4 liquid from the garbanzo beans.

Oh, yeah, you should've saved about 1/2 cup of the liquid when you drained the beans.

Anywho, mix until desired consistency, and serve with some of that awesome pita bread.  I imagine throwing some cheese up on this shit, and sour cream, and eatin with tortillas would be pretty damn good, too.

Try it, let me know how it works out for ya.

Cumin Shrimp Ramen

So we haven't been to the grocery store in a while, and I had limited sources to work from.  Thus, this hot mess, which ended up pretty good.

Cook up 3 packages of Ramen (flavor doesn't matter, since you won't be using it anyway)
In a separate bowl, mix one can cream of celery with one can broth--any kind will do, dump in some garlic salt and a bunch of cumin (I love that crap)
Mix all that, throw in a bag of frozen cooked shrimp
Hit the microwave for 5-7 minutes to get that good and cooked

Drain the Ramen noodles, throw in the sauce and shrimp, and voila, some pretty good pasta stuff.

Yum

Todd E. Redsburg, Bad Elf

So, yeah, we got into this Elf on the Shelf craze a few years ago.  He's a nifty little point of interest round here.  The kids named him Todd E Redsburg, and I have no friggin clue why.  But he sits in various parts of the house and spends his days listening to the kids tattle on each other/plead their cases, and generally creeping me out.  I mean, look at this thing

Just kidding, that's Todd's cousin.  I think he must be a South Pole Elf.

"I will eat your heart."

So yeah, he watches EVERY FREAKIN MOVE I MAKE.

But, he's also good for late-night, insomnia-induced entertainment.

Crap.  Todd's on drugs again.

"My Worm of Underwordly Doom, Samson."

"Everyone Poops."

Todd, the bastard, eating all my anniversary chocolates.

Todd, the fire-assed demon, thinkin some fake flowers will make up for my chocolates.

And on Christmas Eve morning, it never fails--we ALWAYS find this little asshole behind the wheel of my car, with said car at the end of a long skid mark through the yard, parked cockeyed about 6 inches from the porch, with an empty bottle of alcoholic something in the floorboard.  I don't know why we let him come back every year, he is the worst holiday guest since Denis Leary.

But he IS really good about letting me blame him for stuff.  Never says a word, just sits there and takes it and  follows me with his evil, beady little eyes.

The Princess just came in, saying she had a horrible, horrible nightmare that our house was full of lots and lots of elves, of all different colors, covering everything.  Todd, YOU SUCK.

Holidays FTW

This whole "How dare you say 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas'!" thing is just ridiculous.  Think about it, people, the word "holiday" was born from "holy day," so the 2 phrases are pretty much the freakin same.

Also, it's the Holiday Season---there are lots of religions out there observing their holy days throughout the month.  Don't be an ass and say yours is the only one that counts.

On the other hand, if you don't celebrate Christmas, don't be an ass and get all offended at the concept.  Leave my damn Christmas tree alone!

So, to all of you (that I can think of), I say

SO NOT a photographer

 
 Every year I slap my kids' faces on a hundred or so cards and send em out to say Merry Christmas.  And every year I go through a dozen or so FAUXTOG FAILS.  Here are some of my favorites: