Easy, Quick, and Cheap

 . . . shrug pattern.  What'd you think I was talkin 'bout?

So I got this really cute spaghetti strap shirt on sale, but I also got this dress code to abide by at work.  Plus, I've never been too comfortable with bare shoulders in public.  The few times I have worn something showing my collarbone or huge Hulk-like biceps, I felt naked and exposed.  So I had to find something to layer over this adorable tank without hiding its cuteness.  Ta-da, how about a teeny jacket like thingy that looks impossible to get in and out of?

Uhhh . . .not quite, Google, but thanks anyway.

So I gave up on looking for one and decided to make my own.  For once, something wasn't a helluva lot more difficult than I'd thought it'd be.

First, get a measuring tape.  Measure across your chest, elbow to elbow.  Write that shit down.  Then measure around the fattest fullest part of your upper arm.  Write that'n down too.  Then, measure from elbow to armpit and try to remember it.  Or, y'know, write it down.

Get some worsted weight yarn, prolly 2 skeins will do any size (if that much) and an H hook.  I used el cheapo Red Heart Super Saver, since I had less than a full skein sittin beside me at the time, and it just happened to be the color I wanted.

Alright.  Chain to length you first measured, then add an inch or two just in case.  Double crochet in 3rd stitch, ch 1, skip 1, double crochet in next stitch.  This is your pattern, bi-atch.  Do this back and forth (if you have an off number of stitches, just decrease one, it doesn't matter).  Remember to double crochet in the top of your turning chains, which will be 2 or 3, your preference.   This'll make a rectangle,  which needs to be as long as your second measurement plus an inch or two, for your boobs' sake.

Kids won't leave you alone?  Quit bitchin.  Work around them.

he just might learn something . . .like stay away from my freakin yarn

At the end of your last row, do not cut yarn.  Instead, work a slip stitch into the first space you can put a hook in on the short side of the rectangle.  Chain 10.  Single crochet in each chain down and slip stitch into the next space.  Chain one, turn, single crochet back up the 10 stitches, in back loop only.  Do this back and forth to the edge of the rectangle (this is your cuff, yo).  Working through both thicknesses, join the bottom and top of your rectangle with a row of slip stitches as long as your armpit number.

Once you get that sleeve down, don't cut the damn yarn yet.  Let go of one edge and single crochet around one edge.  Stop for a minute and measure your other sleeve to the armpit, and mark that spot.  This is where you'll join the bottom and top edges again.  At the end of that sleeve, 

 . . . shit.

Okay, quick, go hit up your stash.  This must be my lucky day, because I found this behemoth

yeah, that's a pre-schooler's leg this joker is outsizing

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

you now have a tube.  Not to fear, you can still make your cuff the same way, just work the last row of sc into the first row to close the circle. 

Now you can cut that crap.

You should end up with something like this:

side boob.   for the ladies.

if it weren't for love handles, I wouldn't have a waist

Wait wait wait.  I don't like that.  It's too little, too plain. . . it looks like I'm wearing my cocker spaniel's coat.

Cuff that shit.

Rejoin your yarn to the armpit edge and chain 15.  Work the cuff pattern back and forth, this time after you get to the end of a row, join with a slip stitch into the double stitch of the row below, ch 1, then turn and start back up.

Do this nonsense all the way around.

Boo-yeah.

And what's this?  My hair looks awesome too??  What madness is this?!

Aaaand here's another shot of my drive to work, thinking I was putting the music on the iPod.  Hey, at least I had my eyes on the damn road (if they were even open) where they were supposed to be.

side note: this shrug doohickey, if not made with enough breathing room, will plant itself in your armpits and squish your boobies down and out just like this.


HAPPY HOOKIN, HEFFERS!

Skinny Bitches

So, why is it so horrible to talk about someone being overweight, or even a lil chubby, but folks can badmouth skinnies all day long and think it's okay?  You wouldn't say to a chubster's face, "You're so fat, I hate you," so why do people think it's perfectly acceptable to tell someone, "You're so skinny, Gawd, eat something.  I hate people like you"  ??

If you just rolled your eyes and thought, "Oh please, like that's the same thing" then shut up and go away.

Do you think thinner people enjoy hearing people voice their negative opinions on their bodies?  Do you want someone to let you know that they are just disgusted by the way you look because you're smaller than they are?

At work one day, the Big Munky had brought me a Big Mac for lunch.  A co-worker who'd been dieting via Weight Watchers said to me, "Angie, I just want to knock you down and step on you.  People like you make me so sick."

This woman is known to blurt shit out like this, so I took it in stride.  "Wha'd I do?"

"Eating crap like that, eating all the time, and still being so little.  I hate that."

Yeah, gee, thanks?  Was I just physically threatened by a grandmother jealous of my size?  Really?

I replied, "Well, I guess God took pity on me---He made me short and broke, so maybe He made up for it by making me little enough to save money by wearing kids' clothes."

TAKE THAT GRANDMA!  You never freakin know a person's full range of problems and issues.  And hey, guess what?--I HAD AN EATING FUCKIN DISORDER WHEN I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.  THANKS FOR BRINGING UP MY BODY IMAGE ISSUES AND MAKING THAT A LEADING THOUGHT IN DAY TO DAY LIFE AGAIN.

I get shit like that almost every day.  And the funny thing, I'm really not skinny.  I have a healthy bit of meat on my bones, and even a 3 inch roll when I sit.  So screw you, fatties.

Thing is, folks put so much stock in other people's appearance.  If you really think you're fat, if you really think you need to change, then quit whining, quit hatin on folks smaller than you, and do something about it.  Me, I eat because I like food, it's a comfort to me.  Diets are a big no-no around here.  In fact, diets make me sad.  Seriously.   Don't ever tell me you're on a diet because I will feel so sorry for you that I will be your worst influence.  I will sneak you Ding Dongs and fried chicken.  And that's a promise.  I don't exercise on a daily basis, because there's no time/energy for that shit.  I work at work, I work at home.  I move a lot naturally.  I have sex (yep, not very often, but enough to help--and apparently it does).  I drink.  A lot.  No, not like "drink alcohol til you puke everything back up," I mean drink water and juice and crap all day.

I know one teacher (same one I've bragged on before, a few times) who I thought was pretty hot to begin with.  She obviously didn't totally agree.  She started doing that Zumba madness and running and working the weights and all else.  She's now wearing the same size as me, but she's a few inches taller and so it looks waaaay better on her.   She never bitched about being fat (which she wasn't anyway, but you know how women do), she just went out and did something to improve her life and state of being.  And now she's supa hot.

It ain't that hard to change, folks.  Find you some motivation and will power and get to it.  If you can't do that, then you're really not too worried about yourself, your looks, whatever, so just shut up and quit making others feel like shit for your insecurities and miscomings.

I could start this post again, with boobs as the subject (trust me, bigguns ain't as awesome as you Bs want to believe), but I think I'll let this one sink in first.

ABA and stuff

This school year I have a new assignment, about which I'm super psyched as well as super anxious.  Before I've been an assistant in the classroom; now that's cut back to part time.  The majority of my day will be working one on one doing ABA therapy with students with autism.  The way things are looking, there ain't gonna be a whole lot of "part time."

I get my own room/office/closet.  How cool is that?!

I've also been assigned to ride a short bus as an attendant, per new state standards.  But that's another issue I ain't dealin with just yet.

So, like most people I know outside of our school, you're probably goin, "Sounds awesome.  What the hell is ABA?"  Since I'm not an expert, have no formal/collegiate training (now if you wanna count personal experience and incidental teaching, that's another scorecard), I don't feel comfortable learnin' you on the matter.  So I'll give you my understanding of the program, along with what I've stolen borrowed from other websites.

Firstly, "What is ABA?"
Stands for "Applies Behavior Analysis,"  a program of therapy designed for autistic children, which focuses on, duh, behavior.  ABA is sometimes called DTT (Discrete Trial Therapy) which isn't the same thing---DTT is the more popular method of ABA, but the overall program consists of much more.

from Autism Treatment Info, Many techniques are often used in an ABA program, Discrete Trial Teaching (DTT) is one of the primary (but not the only) instructional methods used in ABA programs for children with Autism today.  This technique is used to maximize learning and can be used to develop most skills including, cognitive, social, behavioral, fine motor, play, social and self help skills.  DTT involves breaking down skills into small sub-skills and teaching each sub-skill, intensely, one at a time.  It involves repeated practices with prompting and fading of prompts to insure the child’s success. DTT also uses reinforcement to help shape and maintain positive behaviors and skills.
http://www.autismtreatment.info/what+is+aba.aspx

In a nutshell, mostly what I'll be incorporating officially is DTT--taking a goal the child is working to attain and breaking in down into steps, then using prompts, lots of verbal praise, and reinforcements to help the child learn.  These goals can be anything from imitating motor skills to potty training to engaging with peers in the classroom, as well as sorting and classifying.

There is a buttload of paperwork/data collection.  TCPS is incorporating a new program ( http://www.behavioranalysts.com/shop/product.php?cat=253&productid=16156 ) this year, utilizing the ABLLS-R assessment http://www.behavior-consultant.com/whatablls.htm, an intensive "test" that helps to guide the development of each individual child's development and ABA standards.  This new kit should help in diminishing some of the paperwork, thus making assessments and sessions quicker and more productive.  Hells Yes.

If you're wondering about my language at work, with the kids, calm down.  I stifle most of my thoughts when they're inappropriate.  And I respect parents' decisions, which I automatically assume includes "don't cuss around my kid."

Back on track.  Hey!  Did I mention I get my own room?  Bitchin.

My good friend Alicia, who helped get TCPS' ABA program on its feet, has gone into business of her own offering private sessions outside of school.  Her website, http://btgtipton.com/index.html, details her services and training and personal experience.  Her son Jacob is an amazing little dude who has come a looooong way thanks to his mama taking steps in learning as much as she can about autism and its various treatments.  Seriously, I love this kid.  In fact, the whole family pretty much kicks ass.

This video starts off with a pretty simplistic explanation of ABA and DTT, then shows session examples intermittently with "tips and tricks," so to speak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2afb4i7LMJc

Though the methodology and environments aren't ideal, and I can name several "wrongs," they're working for this home setup, and the instruction and tips are spot on.

On a more personal note, the Princess has never received any formal ABA techniques/therapy.  As I research what I can and learn all I'm able to about my new position, I'm beginning to think of ways to incorporate a few into our home life.  I'm also wondering how the past few years could have been different had I known more.

One book I've read since I've started back at work is "A Work in Progress," http://www.difflearn.com/product/A_Work_in_Progress/autism_ABA_basics  It's a quick read with lots of info and examples.  Great for an overall view of ABA.  Also, the title's metaphor appeals to my writer-wannabe's sense of self.

Tips for My Kid's Teacher

Fair warning:  this one ain't funny.

As the school year begins, I'm looking forward to having all 3 of my badass kids in the same building with me. . . but I'm also haunted by the Ghost of School Years Past.  I figured I'd use this paranoid opportunity to give a little advice to educators who work with Aspie kids (and consequently, have to put up with their crazy mamas).

Though I refer to the student in question as mine, this really goes for any special needs kid, just about.  And this by no means refers directly to the Princess' current teacher, who is awesome, and who I have full faith and trust in.

*Don't tell me my child threw a fit.  I know she does this crap, but you saying shit like "had a hissy" and "threw a fit" tells me that you view my child's disability to control her emotions as a hindrance on your schedule, a bother to you.  Be more professional--use the term "tantrum" or even "meltdown" instead.  This shows you know a little more about autism and the preferred labels.

*Don't underestimate her.  She will try to trick you into thinking she can't do something, just so she won't have to.  She's sneaky like that.  Caution:  this could cause a meltdown if not handled gently.

*Don't overestimate her either.  Seriously, folks tend to give this kid too much credit, due to her creepily high IQ.  But still, she's just a kid.  And she ain't got a lick of common sense.  Keep this in mind when it comes to any freestyle thinking projects you might assign.  Folks also tend to think she's more creative than she really is, because she writes amazing stories. . . but let me clue you in:  she plagiarizes the shit out of everything she's read.

*You hurt her, I hurt you.  This goes for your other students too.  Just so you know and won't be shocked if it happens.

BUT, there have been a few times when she hasn't responded to any other redirection or punishment.  Our wonderful first grade teacher handled this perfectly, I believe--she called me (at that time we were at separate schools) and explained the situation, then asked my permission to paddle, with a witness present, of course.  I had the thought of leaving work to take care of it myself, but quickly figured this was the teacher's place, her time to assert authority and let the Princess remember who was in charge during school hours.  I gave my permission, the teacher let me know the outcome.  Problem solved, crisis averted.

Now that we're in the same building, though, we use my presence as redirection and punishment, and I like to think this works out quite nicely.  But again, this is your time, you're in charge, assert your own damn authority.

*It's 90 degrees outside.  We have a king sized bed for a reason.  Get up off me and on your side so I can freakin breathe.  My bad, wrong list.

*She sees things differently than 'normal' kids.  She doesn't make the connection between her actions and others' reactions.  She just sees someone mad at her, and thinks they're mean.  Let's try to remind her as much as possible how her actions and words affect other people.

*I am at your beck and call, should you need advice, feedback, Clorox wipes, the evil eye, anything.  I listen.    Talk to me whenever you need to.  Please DO NOT wait until the Princess' behavior gets out of hand, then tell me, "But it's okay, the other kids have gotten used to it."  Hearing this from an amazingly sweet, kind-hearted teacher broke me.  My kid was that kid.  The "special" kid that the others had to "get used to" and ignore in order to go about their day.  Don't let this happen.  If there is a behavior problem, don't let me go about blissfully ignorant, don't wait until freakin April to fill me in.  Much more can be done if I know about it, and we can work together on stifling unruly outbursts.

*On the flip side, I'm open to all suggestions and input.  Just don't BS me.

*She has braces.  She's unaware of hygiene.  This gets gross.  Please allow her (and remind her) to rinse her mouth and check her braces for leftovers after snack and lunch.

*She's gassy as hell.  Please remind her it ain't funny.

*She can't sit on her butt for very long.  Sometimes you just have to make her stand for a while--she'll still do her work, she just can't be still.

*On top of Asperger's, she also has Tourette's.  Not the fun, scream random cuss words at old people kind of Tourette's, but the kind where she has tics in her muscles, and makes these awful animalistic noises when she feels she can't express her negative emotions.  If you're anything like me, you'll get so annoyed by this mess you'll find yourself growling back at her.  Not a good way to deal with this.

*I drink.  Sometimes she sees this.  I don't get drunk around her, but I drink.  Get over it.

*She tattles and bosses other kids.  Let's not encourage this.

*She is smart as hell, and catches onto scholastic concepts pretty quick.  So when she doesn't understand something, she doesn't know how to actually put forth an effort to figure it out.  She says its too hard, and gives up.  If you come up with a way to persuade her to try, and to convince her to actually use her brain, please let me know.

And lastly, if you have any problems with me, you really have 2 options:  Deal with it yourself, and possibly be miserable as you try, or just come to me and we'll work on it together.  Or, if you're not comfortable talking to me, there's plenty of her past teachers who could advise you in the matter of Mom.  Whichever's better for you, I don't give a damn, as long as it doesn't reflect in the classroom and/or on my child.

Just watch out--this woman will whup your ass with a stick if you have anything negative to say about the Princess.

Thanks, and hey, let's have an awesome year.

Seriously!