Honey Bun Cookies

I rock.

In bigass bowl, mix:

1 box yellow cake mix
2 eggs
1/2 cup oil
1/2 cup milk

After you've worked up a good sweat over that, add in:

1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup cinnamon

and just try to handmix THAT all together.  Also, be sure to lean back/turn your head away when you chunk in the cinnamon.

Drop by spoonfuls onto cookie sheet.  Warning: looks like poo.  If kids are around, much giggling and gross sound effects will ensue.

Sprinkle with a bit of powdered sugar, just in case there's not enough already in the mix to give you 3 cavities with each cookie.

Bake at 350 for 10 minutes, longer for bigger drops.

Gobble up as many as possible before the kids realize they're done.  Praise Angie for giving you such awesomeness.

















You're welcome.

Bite Me.

So it's been a while. . . blah.  I'm feelin a little crapped out, a little ill, and a lot sorry for myself.  My dream, my huge thisismylifeandwhatIwannadowithit fantasy, has been since I was 7 to be a writer.

. . . or maybe it started before 7. . .

I should've clarified that in the beginning, when I started mapping out my destiny.

Or maybe this is just God's way of telling me, "Yo, shitforbrains, YOU don't get a say-so in this."

So, I've written hundreds of stories, finished a few full-length novels, but have only one that has been "done" for years.  This stupid book I wrote when I was 17 (and prolly stoned) about this girl Tahmi, who is a mashup of every female I loved at the time and all the horrible things that happened to each of them.  But with my humor.  I was so in love with this story, so proud of it  . . . then I spent the next 10 years editing and rewriting and submitting and getting rejection after rejection from editors and publishing houses alike.

I grew to hate this damn story.  I've read and reread it so many times I now see it as utter crap.  Albeit funny crap.

Theeeeeeeenn I find out about this program through Amazon that lets you publish on demand.  Pretty much no charge, they just publish and send this joker out whenever anyone orders.  Neato.  I make peanuts, but Hey!  I'm published!

So I'm sending word around, my dad's pimping me out on his Facebook page . . . 2 weeks later, I've sold 12 copies.

12.

EFFIN 12 DAMN COPIES OF BLOOD AND TEARS AND PAPERCUTS AND CRAPALLHELL!!!!!

Like I said, I should've clarified.  I don't want to be just a writer,  I want to be a great frickin writer, making bank so I sit my night-owl ass at home and be on my own schedule to write all night, see the kids off to school, sleep until they get home, then just chillll.  No worries about housework, there's a maid for that.  No more soul-crushing, panic-attack-inducing trips to Wally World, there's someone to do that shit for me too.

But I can't really accomplish this off 12 stinkin sells, can I?  Especially since I only make about 2 bucks off each print.  Sigh.

Okay, new plan.  I'm off to write a GOOD story this time.  I'll visit this rant again in another 10 years.

BUY MY DAMN BOOK!

http://www.amazon.com/Fragile-whine-cheeeeeese-Tahmi-Duran/dp/1463580533/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1310284586&sr=1-1

Yes, I wrote it.

Yes, it sucks.

I wrote it when I was 17 and I absolutely hate it, but it's my only novel ready for publishing.  BUY IT so I can call myself a writer.  You don't have to read it (in fact, please don't) but just friggin buy it.

Please?

Or, on second thought, just go on the web page and leave an awesome, praising review for it.  Yeah, that'll make me happy.

Be EXCELLENT to Each Other

It's amazing how I turned out, considering I have spend my entire 21 years (ahem) on this Earth in the extremely close-minded Mid-South.  I like to think that I keep an open mind with most subjects, although I do tend to be passionate in my opinions.

There are hundreds of churches in this small podunk community of mine.  Everywhere you go round here, you see signs for various denominations and you run into all sorts of Christians.  Some of them are truly wonderful people, who give Christianity a good rep.  They are sweet and kind and loving.  I have the extreme privilege of calling some of these awesome people "friend."

I also know several "Christians" who, to be frank, suck at it.  They talk about you, they talk about each other, they have no remorse or guilt for their actions and they are positive that everything they do is right because they go to church a couple times a week.  I once had a tard tell me, "But it's okay---Jesus died so we could sin."

Wait, what?

Coming from a small, Southern-fried town, I have many frustrations stemming from ignorance in religion.  People who call themselves Christian, and go to church, still have no clue what the Bible says, other than what was gone over Sunday morning.  God gave us His Word so we can all read it and learn it and live it. . .NOT so we can sit in His house and listen to someone else tell us what it says and what they think it means.

My mother in law actually admitted to never reading the Bible herself.  She claimed she just wasn't smart enough, that she had to rely on what her preacher told her it meant.

This is the same woman who told me that my unborn child and I were going to hell because we wouldn't go to her church.  'Cause, you know, that's a Commandment or something.

If you're going to claim to live by the Bible, live by the whole thing, not just the bits and pieces that you learn about in Sunday school.  There's so much more to it!

Yeah, all this coming from a heathen who hasn't been in a church in over a year.  For the same reason most people don't go to church--because of the people there.  I have yet to find a church that I am comfortable in, where  I feel welcome and loved.

A huge problem I have with Christians is that so many of them condemn their fellow man.  They pass judgement on each other and it's just sad.  I have yet to meet a perfect person, yet I have met hundreds who, apparently, think so much of themselves that they call others damned.  I know of folks who have missed out on some awesome relationships, on knowing and learning from some amazing people, because of their prejudices and ignorance.

I've also noticed a trend in Christians being biased on their social status too.   Why does money and power have anything to do with how good a person is?  Should it be that way?  It is around here.

Again, I say, not all Christians are this way.  Not everyone out here in the sticks is just blind like that.

Which leads me to my next point.  I know of a few self-proclaimed atheists, and several more I suspect but don't really feel it necessary to know and ask, who are the most open-minded and kind-hearted people.  They may make comments on God and Christianity that make me feel the need to stop and pray for all of us, but they are usually quicker to forgive and quicker to offer a helping hand, a listening heart, than anyone else. It's confusing, but refreshing too.  No matter what YOU might believe, I believe that since they are kind and do good on Earth, and love their fellow man (whether they wanna admit it or not) and because I love them, I will see them again after this life is over.

Now.  Homosexuals.  I don't see what the big deal is.  I think that love is love, as long as you're not hurting anyone, who cares?  I've heard some assholes claim that homosexuality is akin to beastiality and pedophilia, that if homosexuality is "okayed" then what's stopping these other "abominations" from being mainstreamed?

Oh, stupidity makes my brain hurt.

Homosexuality does not hurt anyone.  Bottom line.  Who cares what other folks do with their "no no" parts?  I guess I just don't think about it enough for it to bother me.  And gay people are still people, and people are so much more than how they have sex.

me, being totally gay

To breach another uncomfortable subject---I know of a few "Christians" who condemn homosexuality and use the good ole Sodom and Gomorrah argument, but admit to giving anal sex a try.  Uh, hello?  Sodomy much?  How are you going to base your opinion on something you yourself have tried?!

And homosexuality is not really unnatural.  Humans are not the only ones who have tendencies.

Were you aware that female koalas have 2 vaginas each, and prefer other female koalas' company over male koalas'?  Seriously.  They pile up four or five at a time and have little koala lesbo orgies.

And here you thought they were so stinkin cute.

Here's a couple of docus that I've watched recently that prompted this rant.  They both give a lot of insight to both sides.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1237900/  "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0912583/   "For the Bible Tells Me So"

I expect to lose a few friends over this.  And that's fine.  If you would rather stop talking to me and lose what history we may have together just because you don't like what I say, then we really aren't friends anyway, are we?

I don't hope that happens. I hope to hear back from insightful people who have intelligent, well-read feedback, no matter what side of the issue you're on.

Sweater Mutation

Since my kids have enormous heads (their Nana tries to make them feel better by telling them it's because their brains are so big---she has no clue) turtlenecks don't mix too well in my house.

Case in point:

an adorable, super-soft purple turtleneck sweater that Tater can't even crown in

So I cut that joker up.

Off with the collar and sleeves!  I used pink embroidery thread and crocheted around the unraveled edges, added 3 pink flowers for cuteness,

 and voi--freakin-la

This is gonna be so damn cute over a girly button-down come December.

"My Grubby Halo"

Just thought I'd offer a little explanation as to why I cater to this line so much.

It's from Pink Floyd's "Learning to Fly," my all-time favorite song.  It is amazing.  I have loved this song since adolescence, and it's one of those that has always just hit me.

Do yourself a favor:  sit back with your eyes closed and just let this song carry you.

And that line, "my grubby halo," describes so many of us.  Big Munky calls me Angel--to my face.  But I know I'm no angel.  I have tendencies to help where I can, I have a soft spot for innocence. . .but I also have a terrible temper and little patience for ignorance and general assholes.  So, if I do have a halo, so to speak, it's tarnished and dirty.

And yeah, you say the song's about a damn pilot and his plane, it doesn't matter.  It's still my song and I love it so say it's about flying a damn plane and I will throw my shoe at your head.

Enjoy!

SUPERNATURAL POSSE

Y'all thought I'd be talkin 'bout somethin else, didn't you?

and they did

Sigh.  I love this show.

Strawberry Refrigerator Cake ROCKS!

Cake:
1 pkg strawberry cake mix
1 10oz pkg frozen sweet strawberries, thawed

Frosting:
1 box vanilla instant pudding mix
1 c milk
2 c Cool Whip, thawed

Prepare cake according to box directions, bake and cool.  Poke large holes one inch apart in cake top.  Puree frozen berries and pour over cake, let soak into the holes.

For frosting, mix pudding and milk.  Fold in Cool Whip, spread over cake.  Garnish with fresh strawberries.  Cool in fridge at least 4 hours before serving.

Freakin YUM.

This recipe courtesy of my awesome aunt-who's-really-a-second-or-third-cousin-but-I-grew-up-calling-her-Aunt-so-screw-it, Brenda Scott.

My Kids Are Nuts

and here's proof:

Tater, when her foot fell asleep from being stuck up my butt on the couch as we napped, said, "My foot feels like it belongs to someone else."

Stitch, when his sunburned face started peeling, got nose-to-nose with me and screamed, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!" and, when he asked if I could help him transform Starscream and I told him I didn't know how, huffed and said, "Mommy, I think you're lying to yourself."

and Princess. . . she wrote this letter to the teacher she hopes to have come August:

"Dear Ms. Rachel,
My name is Arlee and I am Anistyn's dog.  I don't no of any gud way to say this, so I'm just going 2 say it: Last nite I had an accident on Anistyn's homewurk.  It's unfortunet, but it happened and I take fullll responsibilitee four it,  I apologize.  I have a medical condition and thingz happen unexpektedly now.  Sorry.

Signed,
Arlee

P.S. By the way, I got a quik glance at it befor the incident and it lookked like excellent wurk.  Just thot you'd like to know."

Complete with doggy misspellings and a paw print beneath the signature.

Again, my kids are nuts.