Tips for My Kid's Teacher

Fair warning:  this one ain't funny.

As the school year begins, I'm looking forward to having all 3 of my badass kids in the same building with me. . . but I'm also haunted by the Ghost of School Years Past.  I figured I'd use this paranoid opportunity to give a little advice to educators who work with Aspie kids (and consequently, have to put up with their crazy mamas).

Though I refer to the student in question as mine, this really goes for any special needs kid, just about.  And this by no means refers directly to the Princess' current teacher, who is awesome, and who I have full faith and trust in.

*Don't tell me my child threw a fit.  I know she does this crap, but you saying shit like "had a hissy" and "threw a fit" tells me that you view my child's disability to control her emotions as a hindrance on your schedule, a bother to you.  Be more professional--use the term "tantrum" or even "meltdown" instead.  This shows you know a little more about autism and the preferred labels.

*Don't underestimate her.  She will try to trick you into thinking she can't do something, just so she won't have to.  She's sneaky like that.  Caution:  this could cause a meltdown if not handled gently.

*Don't overestimate her either.  Seriously, folks tend to give this kid too much credit, due to her creepily high IQ.  But still, she's just a kid.  And she ain't got a lick of common sense.  Keep this in mind when it comes to any freestyle thinking projects you might assign.  Folks also tend to think she's more creative than she really is, because she writes amazing stories. . . but let me clue you in:  she plagiarizes the shit out of everything she's read.

*You hurt her, I hurt you.  This goes for your other students too.  Just so you know and won't be shocked if it happens.

BUT, there have been a few times when she hasn't responded to any other redirection or punishment.  Our wonderful first grade teacher handled this perfectly, I believe--she called me (at that time we were at separate schools) and explained the situation, then asked my permission to paddle, with a witness present, of course.  I had the thought of leaving work to take care of it myself, but quickly figured this was the teacher's place, her time to assert authority and let the Princess remember who was in charge during school hours.  I gave my permission, the teacher let me know the outcome.  Problem solved, crisis averted.

Now that we're in the same building, though, we use my presence as redirection and punishment, and I like to think this works out quite nicely.  But again, this is your time, you're in charge, assert your own damn authority.

*It's 90 degrees outside.  We have a king sized bed for a reason.  Get up off me and on your side so I can freakin breathe.  My bad, wrong list.

*She sees things differently than 'normal' kids.  She doesn't make the connection between her actions and others' reactions.  She just sees someone mad at her, and thinks they're mean.  Let's try to remind her as much as possible how her actions and words affect other people.

*I am at your beck and call, should you need advice, feedback, Clorox wipes, the evil eye, anything.  I listen.    Talk to me whenever you need to.  Please DO NOT wait until the Princess' behavior gets out of hand, then tell me, "But it's okay, the other kids have gotten used to it."  Hearing this from an amazingly sweet, kind-hearted teacher broke me.  My kid was that kid.  The "special" kid that the others had to "get used to" and ignore in order to go about their day.  Don't let this happen.  If there is a behavior problem, don't let me go about blissfully ignorant, don't wait until freakin April to fill me in.  Much more can be done if I know about it, and we can work together on stifling unruly outbursts.

*On the flip side, I'm open to all suggestions and input.  Just don't BS me.

*She has braces.  She's unaware of hygiene.  This gets gross.  Please allow her (and remind her) to rinse her mouth and check her braces for leftovers after snack and lunch.

*She's gassy as hell.  Please remind her it ain't funny.

*She can't sit on her butt for very long.  Sometimes you just have to make her stand for a while--she'll still do her work, she just can't be still.

*On top of Asperger's, she also has Tourette's.  Not the fun, scream random cuss words at old people kind of Tourette's, but the kind where she has tics in her muscles, and makes these awful animalistic noises when she feels she can't express her negative emotions.  If you're anything like me, you'll get so annoyed by this mess you'll find yourself growling back at her.  Not a good way to deal with this.

*I drink.  Sometimes she sees this.  I don't get drunk around her, but I drink.  Get over it.

*She tattles and bosses other kids.  Let's not encourage this.

*She is smart as hell, and catches onto scholastic concepts pretty quick.  So when she doesn't understand something, she doesn't know how to actually put forth an effort to figure it out.  She says its too hard, and gives up.  If you come up with a way to persuade her to try, and to convince her to actually use her brain, please let me know.

And lastly, if you have any problems with me, you really have 2 options:  Deal with it yourself, and possibly be miserable as you try, or just come to me and we'll work on it together.  Or, if you're not comfortable talking to me, there's plenty of her past teachers who could advise you in the matter of Mom.  Whichever's better for you, I don't give a damn, as long as it doesn't reflect in the classroom and/or on my child.

Just watch out--this woman will whup your ass with a stick if you have anything negative to say about the Princess.

Thanks, and hey, let's have an awesome year.

Seriously!