Easy, Quick, and Cheap

 . . . shrug pattern.  What'd you think I was talkin 'bout?

So I got this really cute spaghetti strap shirt on sale, but I also got this dress code to abide by at work.  Plus, I've never been too comfortable with bare shoulders in public.  The few times I have worn something showing my collarbone or huge Hulk-like biceps, I felt naked and exposed.  So I had to find something to layer over this adorable tank without hiding its cuteness.  Ta-da, how about a teeny jacket like thingy that looks impossible to get in and out of?

Uhhh . . .not quite, Google, but thanks anyway.

So I gave up on looking for one and decided to make my own.  For once, something wasn't a helluva lot more difficult than I'd thought it'd be.

First, get a measuring tape.  Measure across your chest, elbow to elbow.  Write that shit down.  Then measure around the fattest fullest part of your upper arm.  Write that'n down too.  Then, measure from elbow to armpit and try to remember it.  Or, y'know, write it down.

Get some worsted weight yarn, prolly 2 skeins will do any size (if that much) and an H hook.  I used el cheapo Red Heart Super Saver, since I had less than a full skein sittin beside me at the time, and it just happened to be the color I wanted.

Alright.  Chain to length you first measured, then add an inch or two just in case.  Double crochet in 3rd stitch, ch 1, skip 1, double crochet in next stitch.  This is your pattern, bi-atch.  Do this back and forth (if you have an off number of stitches, just decrease one, it doesn't matter).  Remember to double crochet in the top of your turning chains, which will be 2 or 3, your preference.   This'll make a rectangle,  which needs to be as long as your second measurement plus an inch or two, for your boobs' sake.

Kids won't leave you alone?  Quit bitchin.  Work around them.

he just might learn something . . .like stay away from my freakin yarn

At the end of your last row, do not cut yarn.  Instead, work a slip stitch into the first space you can put a hook in on the short side of the rectangle.  Chain 10.  Single crochet in each chain down and slip stitch into the next space.  Chain one, turn, single crochet back up the 10 stitches, in back loop only.  Do this back and forth to the edge of the rectangle (this is your cuff, yo).  Working through both thicknesses, join the bottom and top of your rectangle with a row of slip stitches as long as your armpit number.

Once you get that sleeve down, don't cut the damn yarn yet.  Let go of one edge and single crochet around one edge.  Stop for a minute and measure your other sleeve to the armpit, and mark that spot.  This is where you'll join the bottom and top edges again.  At the end of that sleeve, 

 . . . shit.

Okay, quick, go hit up your stash.  This must be my lucky day, because I found this behemoth

yeah, that's a pre-schooler's leg this joker is outsizing

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

you now have a tube.  Not to fear, you can still make your cuff the same way, just work the last row of sc into the first row to close the circle. 

Now you can cut that crap.

You should end up with something like this:

side boob.   for the ladies.

if it weren't for love handles, I wouldn't have a waist

Wait wait wait.  I don't like that.  It's too little, too plain. . . it looks like I'm wearing my cocker spaniel's coat.

Cuff that shit.

Rejoin your yarn to the armpit edge and chain 15.  Work the cuff pattern back and forth, this time after you get to the end of a row, join with a slip stitch into the double stitch of the row below, ch 1, then turn and start back up.

Do this nonsense all the way around.

Boo-yeah.

And what's this?  My hair looks awesome too??  What madness is this?!

Aaaand here's another shot of my drive to work, thinking I was putting the music on the iPod.  Hey, at least I had my eyes on the damn road (if they were even open) where they were supposed to be.

side note: this shrug doohickey, if not made with enough breathing room, will plant itself in your armpits and squish your boobies down and out just like this.


HAPPY HOOKIN, HEFFERS!