MY MELON

Step 1:  Choose your victim.

This'll work.

 Step 2:  Cut off the top "corners."

and realize you can't cut straight.  Say bad words.

 Step 3: Use big knife and gut that sucker.

MUCH easier than carving a pumpkin

 Step 4: Get scoop to help with diggin err-thing out.

Wait, this is a scoop for---

 Step 5: Get distracted by scoop.

Yum.

 Step 6: Get your head back in the game.

Get bigger scoop.

 Step 7:  Consider calling it soup and quit for the night.

maybe give it some pepper?

 Step 8:  Get back to it.  Beer yourself and start cuttin on the "handle."

Cutting again?  Crap!

 Step 9:  Cut zigzags or whatever all around "basket."

CRUCIAL:  Drink enough so that this looks cute.

 Step 10: Observe aftermath. . .

. . .and cry.

 Step 11:  The next morning.  Fill the basket with fresh and frozen fruit  and call it done, dammit.

Step 12:  Drive an hour and forty minutes away with masterpiece to impress folks at family reunion.  Learn that the reunion is next week.  Say bad words, give the fruit basket to the nice ladies at the bait shop by the reunion site.  Drive home.  Say a few more bad words.  Laugh at the thought of calling this a trial run and doing it again next week.